Heeey. Most of you suddenly following me are probably looking for content the likes of which I post over here. This particular blog is basically me whining about my brain.
Nothing wrong with that, but the two blogs are quite different in that respect.
I haven’t posted here since two years ago. Huh.
A lot of things have changed. Now I’m diagnosed with epilepsy, but also still diagnosed with schizophrenia. So I basically have two similar types of brainweird going on in the form of schizophrenic psychosis and temporal seizures. Though my seizures have started to move from things affecting my brain to arm convulsions.
The strange thing is how different the two things are. Like, looking back on what I’ve experienced, it’s very easy for me to tell if I was having psychosis from schiz, or seizure stuff. It’s…very hard to describe. It’s a feeling that we don’t have a word for, I think. Just…different.
In any case, I’m going to try to start posting here again.
Day 4: What are the pros and cons of having a mental illness(es) or your specific illness(es)?
- – I understand that illegally selling/buying prescription drugs is bad because it makes people like me have to jump through hoops to get our medication, and it makes people more likely to steal my meds.
- – I’m almost always doing -something-.
- – Boredom is literally painful for me.
- – My lack of executive functions makes it hard for me to interact in a positive way with others.
- – I blog infrequently because I forget I even have a blog.
- – Many people think I’m just lazy, and that AD/HD doesn’t -really- exist.
- – I’m more understanding when my friends are suicidal, and can generally handle it better than I would if I didn’t know what it was like.
- – I’m more empathetic about people’s feelings in -general- (unless I’m depressed in the moment).
- – I feel like my life is always in danger, and that if I don’t constantly monitor my mental state, I might kill myself.
- – Oftentimes I forget what it’s like to be happy.
- – I socially isolate myself.
- – I may have to be on medication for the rest of my life (also with AD/HD).
- – I’m more careful about certain things.
- – I’d rather not do something than try and fail at it.
- – Even on the good days, fear is never far away.
- – No
- – Traumatic memories that come up with little warning.
- – I can’t handle a lot of things that don’t bother most people.
- – I’m very accepting.
- – I’ve experienced things few people have.
- – Stigma. Many people think that I’m dangerous or need to be locked away just because I have this mental illness.
- – Isolation, loneliness, and the feeling that nobody understands how I feel.
- – Limitations on what I can do as far as work and school is concerned. Well, everything, really.
- – Medications steal my creativity and ability to visualize.
Thanks for reading.
I’m sitting here in my house, safe, with a family that loves me. I’m sitting here on the computer listening to the online vigil for this year’s disability day of mourning. This is the first year I’ve considered myself ‘disabled’, and also the first I’ve even heard of this day. In fact, I didn’t know about today -until- today. I have a bad sense of time and current events. I apologize if I sound incoherent, I don’t actually have anything useful to add besides my own mourning and hopefully making some of you aware of what today is.
So I’ve been having seizures. Well, at least I’m pretty sure I’ve been having seizures. Simple and complex partial ones to be precise. Possibly some nocturnal ones as well. My last screening came back as normal, but I wasn’t able to fall asleep during it, so I don’t know. We don’t have insurance, so I can’t exactly get tested again at this point in time.
Which leads me to my research. Apparently there have been stories of Viibryd causing seizures in some people. I’m also on Abilify, which I hear can lower the seizure threshold. And ritalin. That too. So we’re going to experiment with taking me off my anti-depressant to see if that fixes things. I really hope I don’t have epilepsy. To be honest, I’m scared to death. Read the rest of this entry »
First I want to thank you for the comments I’ve received, I really appreciate them.
So I’ve been reading about the psychiatric survivors movement, listening to podcasts, and basically looking for anything that might give me hope that I won’t be like this forever. Joined a forum. If nothing else, I think I might be able to find a good way to reconcile my psychosis with my spirituality. I’m generally very afraid of believing in anything, even though it’s very helpful for me, and actually decreases my depression significantly. I don’t want to be ‘delusional’, so I force myself to ignore any spiritual experiences I might have. I don’t really think this is healthy for me, because my spiritual experiences are profoundly positive.
Anyway, if anyone has any links to blogs that deal with alternate viewpoints of psychology/mental stuff, I’d love to see them. Just no Scientology stuff, I have a severe paranoia about them.
Seriously, I think they’re going to take over the world.
I apologize for the silence. I’ve had no motivation lately, and it’s really messing with me. I can’t even take care of my hygiene. It’s a bit pathetic…a lot pathetic. I’m going to go ahead and continue the challenge though. If anyone has good advice on how to deal with negative symptoms of sz though, that would be great.